you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
