btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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