he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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