While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
