My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
