At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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