at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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