Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
