I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
