Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
