Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
