Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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