i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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