Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
