i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize