More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
