Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just gift wrapped bread.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
