Just fell off a train. Bad.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
