On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
