i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
