apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize