Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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