Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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