You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
