If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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