He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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