I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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