even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
