I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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