one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
