ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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