Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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