I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
