Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
nutella sex= disaster
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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