whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
