And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
