im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
