She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
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