I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
