When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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