OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
