If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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