I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
