i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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