You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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