If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize