she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
