She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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