Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
