my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
