the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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