I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
where are my eyebrows?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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