there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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