Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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