my vag is so smooth its legendary
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
