four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize