Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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