I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
