Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
