I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
