so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
