she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
