I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
