im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
