Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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