Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
