i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
