Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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